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| My note from the universe today said:
When "bad" things happen to "good" people, Kim, it's often because they want to become even better teachers, guides, and helpers to those precious souls who will one day need them to be their rock.
Plus, today's bad is always tomorrow's boon, no matter who you are, no matter what has happened, and no matter how weak the coffee was.
I'm tired of bad things happening to good people, even if my position as a good person is always up for debate. I'm tired of dealing with this shit. I can legitimately barely move today, and I'm having a hard time even holding up my laptop. My arms and chest and legs just... don't want to move. It's like I'm needing to force the muscles and nerves double and triple hard to work together to form a cohesive bond. It's like there's this huge disconnect between everything in my body, and it's taking longer and longer to send signals between them.
And it hurts. It hurts so fucking much. It hurts to talk, to yell, to sing, to lift up anything, to type, to walk, to eat, to sigh, to sleep. All I want to do is sleep, but it hurts even to do that. Typing hurts and worse it's hard. Normally I can type in my bloody sleep, but right now... right now it's painful to press my fingers into the keys and it takes so long. Normally I type between 80-100 words a minute. Right now I'm probably averaging forty or so.
I'm still stuttering. It's worse later at night when I'm tired. It's so funny how the pain and the stuttering are connected. When one is worse, the other is worse too. It sucks. And I have to fucking pack and move in the next week and I have no idea how to do it. I don't think I should go back to school. I'm going, there's no doubt about that, but I really don't know if I should. I'm just gonna have to keep trying.
Ugh, keep trying. I'm so sick of needing to do that. I want things to be easy and smooth sailing. I just want everything to work. The speech therapist wants me to go to Boston, but I need to see my PCP before we can do it. I see her on Friday, which was the first appointment she had even though I called her on last bloody Monday when things started to get bad.
Keep getting worse. I'm very worried. I'm not like suicidal or anything, but like... I'm not having a good feeling of time at the moment. I'm sure it sounds melodramatic, but given how things have progressed in the last week... I think you'd feel the same way. | |
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| My sister has finally lost it, or is the process of losing it. I don't know. Things are bad here. For the past few months, there's been signs that her reality is different then ours. She says we say things we don't say, or remembers things that didn't happen... normally it's small things but there've been instances where it has been larger things. She was convinced that the Doctor told her that she needed to think of Johnathan as a "piece of flesh." That he "never was a baby." I mentioned it to Cindy, and Cindy said no, that the doctor was wicked pro-choice and someone who believes that life begins at conception. So she totally misheard what he was saying. She's refused to go back, and I think she's off her meds, but I can't be sure. EJ's got like... a whole huge contingent of mental stuff, including being bipolar and shit.
On Saturday, it was my nephew's third birthday. EJ and my mom went down there, because yeah. I didn't go (I had a migraine, and there was 20 kids there.) Two of my cousins have had babies since my sister lost hers, and my mother hasn't seen either of them. EJ can't handle being around babies. She won't go places like the mall or the movies because she's worried babies will be there. She won't watch Dexter because of the baby. Any movies with babies are banished. She's just been avoiding everything with a baby.
My mother has always been close to my cousin Eddie, and she hasn't seen the baby. At the party, he came over and put the baby in her arms and EJ just fucking lost it. She said that she told my mother that she wanted to leave (she didn't) and then she went and sat in the car and called me. She kept going on and on about how Jonathan was four months old "today." (This was Saturday.) Finally, as gently as I could, I said "No EJ, Jonathan's dead. He would have been four months old if he had lived, but he didn't." And she hung up on me. After I called her fifteen times, she just answered the phone with "You're supposed to make me feel better not worse!" And then hung up on me again. I called my mom then, and before my mom could walk across the lawn, EJ made our brother leave his son's party and drive her home.
When my mom got home, it was world war fucking three. My mom got into it with EJ, and then my Dad joined the fray. My sister said that she had told my mom that she wanted to leave, and she didn't, and then she couldn't wait for my mom to walk across the lawn... and then came the doosey. EJ told my mother that she was a traitor for holding a baby, and that she didn't care about EJ or her feelings.
WTF? Yeah. Because everything that's happened in the last four months hasn't been about her. That my mom has completely shunned anything with babies, and worst of all... that my mother doesn't care. My mother didn't fucking sleep at night until I came home, so that she could be there if EJ needed her. She has nightmares about performing CPR on a baby that's been dead for a week, and is covered in blood. She has fucking nightmares about seeing EJ's insides falling out. But no, doesn't care.
Things got bad and EJ stormed upstairs and locked her door. And then my parents started fighting and my mom picked up a plate and threw it at my dad where it hit the wall and shattered. I think he threw one back. All I know is that there was a shit ton of glass and tears and bullshit and I had to clean it up.
Yesterday was better, and then EJ went with my mom to see my mom's elderly friend Mary. I was on my way to see Amanda Palmer. (Awesome show, but sadly, I can't move today. Too much on my poor knee.) Apparently, while they were there, EJ lost it again and told my mother that she had promised never to hold another baby. My mom proceeded to lose it then, because she never would have promised that. They woke me up fighting about it this morning.
The sad thing is that EJ really believes all this happened. She believes my mom promised this, she believes that the doctor said that, she believes all this shit. And I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do and it's killing me. I just want to run away or do something stupid. The tension in my house keeps getting worse and it's smothering me, cutting off my oxygen. I just really have no fucking clue what to do. My mom's health is so bad, EJ's sanity is so bad and it seems like they're fighting against each other... I just don't know. | |
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| The skinny, because I need to rant in more then the 144 characters twitter and facebook allow me.
My mom had a heart attack yesterday. She'd been having chest pains every day for the last two weeks and didn't tell anyone, not even the Doctor. The only reason she admitted it yesterday was because the doctor pushed her to admit it. She saw the cardiologist last week and just told her that the pains were coming "more often." This is me livid. Like so livid. Oi. I knew things were worse then she was saying, but I had no idea how much worse. She never wants to bother anyone and doesn't understand the simple prospect that preventive measures mean things like this don't have to happen. I love my mother to pieces, but I'm just so fucking angry right now.
She's going to have a shunt put in, but not today. Still hasn't seen a doctor but she's on the cardiac monitoring floor. They've done a shit ton of blood tests and stuff She'll be in a few days to be stabilized. Oi. I'm home with my sister because neither one of us do hospitals very well. Just... fuck my life. For serious. I'm so tired of being the grown up in my family. - Tags:mom
- Music:Bowie- As the World falls Down
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| I'm trying very hard not to think this is because I had hope that the calcium in my left eye could be taken out and I would be fine. Also, I feel very alone right now. - Tags:blind
- Mood:crushed
 - Music:Sonata Artica-Replica.
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a_proclivity's journal
